Life without your number 1...

How do you survive without your mum? The one that has been there for you, who you have known your entire life, who you felt and heard her heart beating from not only the outside but the inside as well, the person that really knows you better then you know yourself. It’s hard, bloody hard. 

It’s been 5 weeks since I lost my mum and it still doesn’t seem real, I still go to pick the phone up multiple times a day to call her, I don’t think that habit will ever go, at times you can almost forget and think she’s on a holiday and she will be back soon, but she won’t. It leaves you feeling empty and a hole that can never be filled or replaced by anything or anyone, it’s a permanent state of heartache, feeling empty and lost, like your missing something, and I am, my number 1, my mummy bear as I used to call her. 

You have to find ways to cope and deal with grief because everyone else in the world moves on and unfortunately we have to move on too, but I don’t want to, sometimes I want to scream at people "have you any idea what I am feeling right now?!" except unless they have experienced this, they won’t. They don’t know and can only imagine what it’s like, it’s not something you ever want to think about losing a parent, especially so young, it makes me angry, why her, why couldn’t she see her grand kids grow up, enjoy her life and be with us. Why is it some are lucky enough to live over 100 yet people like my beautiful mum only make it to 63, and really at least she had that, there are so many more out there that don’t even get close to that, it’s just how it is, life. 

Mum was my encyclopaedia of life (for those that are too young to know what this is, it’s basically google in a book lol), she knew everything, or to me it seemed she did, she always had an answer to everything, you could ring her and ask any question and she would have an answer, I miss this a lot, I was always ringing her to ask questions and advice. Google is not the same.

My mum was a fighter, she was the strongest woman I have ever met, she endured a lot in her life and you never heard her complain, not once about anything. Even throughout her entire sickness she never ever complained!! How on earth she did this I don’t know as I complain about everything, I think I inherited her strength and resistance but I certainly did not inherit the ability to not complain. 

I believe she is now watching over me and sending me signals, like this morning playing all her favourite songs on my playlist! it made me smile and happy, which is nice huh, things like that can get you through a shitty day sometimes, I always said to her make sure you send me signals, flash my lights, turn the tv on and off and haunt everyone that has ever done bad by me! Lol so if you’re reading this and you have...watch out!! 

On a more serious note, for anyone battling through a loss of a loved one, it’s hard, especially if you suffer from depression as I do, you have to try and be kind to yourself every day, surround yourself with people that love you and support you and avoid the ones that don’t, they will just piss you off more! Avoid stress or annoying people that you may feel like wanting to punch in the face (whoops did I say that out loud?!) do nice things and remember them in all the beautiful ways you can, I’ve surrounded my house with her pictures, I play her music, burn candles for her and always talk to her, I know she is listening, I just wish she could talk back. 

I love you to the moon and back mummy bear, as I said in her eulogy life doesn’t ever teach you how to live without your mum, no one can prepare you for it and I don’t think the pain of losing her will ever go away, she will always be in our heart and minds and I know she will still be hearing us talk to her always and forever, she will be the star shining the brightest at night, the loudest thunder, the hardest lightning bolt, the heaviest rain, the sun shining through the clouds and every rainbow I will ever see.

Till we meet again mumma, I love you so so much and miss you like crazy.

Tennelle xxxx